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idream_ofmemes2023-04-05 09:59 pm
perchancetodreammods) wrote in idream_ofmemes2023-04-05 09:59 pm
Entry tags:
TDM #7 - April Showers (and Other Weather Conditions)
April Showers (and Other Weather Conditions)
New Arrivals
You wake from what should have been a normal night of sleep bolting upright from what is very clearly the bed you went to sleep in that night, but in a strange place. A tower, high in the air, with huge open windows that clouds could lazily float through. Before you is a massive oaken double door, emblazoned with a carving of an eye, and a note on black lies atop your bedsheets. The note instructs you to go through the door and come to a place called the Torn Oak for more answers, and is signed by someone called "the Outsider." You climb out of bed, pull on the door handle, and step out into an ethereal, mysterious, ever-shifting world of dreams.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Welcome to the Dreamscape. A beautiful, endless dream where you and a bunch of other unique and interesting minds from across the multiverse have been gathered to connect, commiserate, and make the impossible... possible! There are many fantastical locales to explore and even more to come, and you are given your very own Nimbus Cloud to serve as your home. This puffy pink cloud will host a pocket dimension just for you where the only limit to what you can create is your own imagination. Missing personal items or locations from the waking world? No problem--- the only thing you have to do in order to earn feathers, the local currency, is make meaningful connections with others. In fact, making these meaningful connections seems to be the only task assigned to you by your mysterious host, the Outsider.
In order to make your way in this weird and whimsical world, you'll need to form lasting bonds with your fellow dreamers, learn more about the Outsider and their intentions, and stay on your toes. There is something very strange happening here, and despite their jolly demeanor, they are clearly struggling to maintain control of their own domain--- something that could land all of you in danger.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Welcome to the Dreamscape. A beautiful, endless dream where you and a bunch of other unique and interesting minds from across the multiverse have been gathered to connect, commiserate, and make the impossible... possible! There are many fantastical locales to explore and even more to come, and you are given your very own Nimbus Cloud to serve as your home. This puffy pink cloud will host a pocket dimension just for you where the only limit to what you can create is your own imagination. Missing personal items or locations from the waking world? No problem--- the only thing you have to do in order to earn feathers, the local currency, is make meaningful connections with others. In fact, making these meaningful connections seems to be the only task assigned to you by your mysterious host, the Outsider.
In order to make your way in this weird and whimsical world, you'll need to form lasting bonds with your fellow dreamers, learn more about the Outsider and their intentions, and stay on your toes. There is something very strange happening here, and despite their jolly demeanor, they are clearly struggling to maintain control of their own domain--- something that could land all of you in danger.
DATE
4/5/2023
THEME
Weather-themed music and springtime!
QUICK NAV
Constellations
When you join the Dreamscape, you will receive a magical Constellation pendant, allowing you to connect to the DreamNet! The star-shaped pendant, which varies depending on your personal style, lights up and projects a hologram screen that will allow you to send messages, videos, and voice calls. A handy way to stay connected with fellow dreamers on the go that is intuitive enough for anyone to understand, whether you come from a world where email has been invented or not!
Mr. Blue Sky
{Electric Light Orchestra} ♫♪♩♬
Do you have a television in your Nimbus Cloud? Or perhaps you just have the screen of light that can be displayed from your Constellation charm. Whatever the case may be, it flicks on, and the Outsider is in a suit. No, not their usual ornate body suit, but a poorly-tailored black and white business suit, completed with a cloud-print tie. They are standing in front of a map of the Dreamscape, holding a pointing stick. They look ridiculous, even a bit disheveled. As they begin to speak, both their tone and their smile appear to be more forced than usual.
“Good afternoon, Dreamscape residents! It’s spring time here, which means we are officially clear of snowstorm territory and on to warm breezes, lovely flowers, and fresh leaves on all the trees. And of course it wouldn’t be spring without a little unpredictable weather!”
Cloud formations ranging from green to yellow to red began forming on their map, moving slowly across it from left to right.
“As you can see, we have some rather unique weather conditions rolling in! They’ll be rotating through all the locations in the Dreamscape, and changing every few hours, so I recommend that all of you stay up to date. I’ve provided resources on your Constellations and on any electronic devices in the Dreamscape to help you get the latest information on what weather will be impacting you, and what impact it will have on your location! Good luck out there, and whatever the weather, it’s better together!”
The Outsider’s rather cheesy presentation of the newest Dreamscape event, while amusing, seems out of character with their normally heartfelt or enthusiastic monologues. But before you have time to really dwell on that, the sky above you begins to shift and change. The spring time weather conditions are quickly arriving, affecting every location in the Dreamscape, and each type of weather has a magical effect of some kind that is influenced by the location itself and the people in it. You can choose whether to look up these effects and stay prepared or fly blind and hope for the best, but these weather conditions will be affecting every location except inside Nimbus Clouds!
Here Comes the Sun
{The Beatles} ♫♪♩♬
Everyone loves a sunny day, especially during a rainy season like early spring! If you’re in a place with sunshine, you’re in luck.
Clouds part above you, warmth filling the air as the sun’s golden rays envelop you and the landscape around you in a honey glow. As sunlight touches the ground, flowers begin to bloom in droves on any surface it might be reasonable to find them, and fresh green leaves sprout from the branches of every tree present. The sweet scent of nectar and florals fills the air everywhere that this light graces the ground, but the effects are particularly potent in the botanical gardens. The warm and almost heavenly glow from the celestial body above seems to soften the whole world, as if everything is faded slightly like an old photograph.
Breathe in. Take that sweetness into your lungs. Feel the warmth on your skin. You can feel a strange, calm euphoria rise up from your core so strongly that you feel compelled to exhale it out. With the dreamy light of the sun, you are instilled with a nearly overpowering joy. What will you do with this unexpected moment of bliss? Who will you spend it with? Will you reminisce about your favorite times, discover who you are without your burdens, or just allow yourself to float through the merry fields of flowers and forget? And of course, all this begs another important question--- how will you cope when it ends?
Northern Downpour
{Panic! at the Disco} ♫♪♩♬
One of the milder ones on the roster, light rains are the most common weather conditions you will encounter. Ranging from fading drizzles with a bit of sun to gloomy but calm showers, these peaceful storms have a large spread, change intensity often, and last longer than the other weather conditions. Occasionally, these storms can impact a single location for days at a time rather than just a few hours. If waiting out the rain doesn’t suit your schedule, there’s a shop in the Twisted City having a half off sale on umbrellas (making them only one feather, instead of two), but finding the shop is another matter. As with most shops in the Twisted City, it has a habit of disappearing, and reappearing elsewhere… But it’ll turn up eventually. (Probably.)
Whether you’re out in the rain or sheltered inside, the effect of the light rain is the same. As the persistent, musical sound of water droplets striking every surface fills the air and thrums in your ears, you begin to feel profoundly nostalgic, and feelings that you’ve been hiding or ignoring bubble to the surface. While it is up to you if this is enough to compel you to speak on these feelings, you will find that they nag at you, affecting your mood and plaguing your idle thoughts. Perhaps this is the time to have a conversation you’ve been avoiding?
Thunderclouds
{LSD} ♫♪♩♬
Another particularly common weather event that you’ll come across is heavy thunderstorms scattered in amongst the light rain. Much like the former, less intense version, these storms can linger, though not as long, and feature darker skies, heavier showers reaching up to the point of torrential downpours and even flooding, and the distant rumbling of thunder and flashes of lightning. The electricity is usually far enough in the distance that the rain is safe to walk in if you have an umbrella or don’t mind getting wet. Maybe you’re even the sort who likes to play in the rain--- in which case you’re in luck, these puddles are HUGE. However, this is also a great opportunity to huddle up and stay inside where it’s cozy.
Unlike the light rain, however, the heavy thunderstorms don’t influence your emotions. Instead, they are influenced by yours. Those in calm, playful, or romantic moods might see the storms grow a little lighter, the skies a brighter shade of gray, while Dreamers dealing with sadness might find the rain around them to be colder and heavier, or perhaps the clouds above you are darker and crackling with more lightning if you’re angry or scared. If you’re looking to change the vibe, start by changing the mood. Whether the severity of the storm is affected by you or the person next to you, a conversation could be enough to change the weather, and the state of the skies could be an indicator that someone around you could use a friend.
Jump Into the Fog
{The Wombats} ♫♪♩♬
More common at night or early in the morning, there is a slightly rarer chance that you’ll run into a patch of thick fog as you wander the Dreamscape. Dense, soupy, and gray, this fog is so intense it makes it hard to see more than a few feet in front of you, and will chill you down to your bones. Where fog is present, the sounds of the world will be duller, and everything will be eerily still.
This fog is not as innocent as the rain, however, and this is a very severe weather condition. As the cold sets in, sinking through your skin and making you shiver, so does a pervasive sense of anxiety, and a fear of the unknown. Listen closely and you’ll hear strange, unsettling sounds or barely-audible murmurs in the distance. What’s out there? It sounds so close, and yet you can’t see it.
What lurks in the fog is drawn from your own fears, and if you stray too far into the dense clouds, you’ll be met with a source of deep fear or stress from your own mind. Whether that’s monsters, people, places---you’ll find yourself among things that distress you. However, if you find another Dreamer to walk with, you may be able to escape the clutches of the fog. All you have to do is maintain physical contact with your companion. Hold hands, link arms, stand shoulder to shoulder or back to back, whatever works best for you, and as you proceed you’ll find that the fog is confused by the pairing, resulting in a fusion of your fears with those of your companion. Perhaps they conflict with one another, form something altogether new, or even result in something comical. Either way, this will allow you to share your burden with a friend, creating a situation that is easier to handle for both of you. Face your fears together, and the fog will lift, revealing the way forward. Or, if confrontation isn’t in the cards, you can always find somewhere indoors to hunker down and comfort each other until the danger passes instead.
Eye of the Storm
{MARINA} ♫♪♩♬
There is one more weather condition that it’s possible to run into, though this one is far less common and far more severe than any of the others. You almost won’t notice it at first as clouds loom overhead, threatening you with rain but never committing to it, and a brisk breeze blows through. However, the once-gentle gusts will escalate quickly, evolving into high winds with nearly enough force to bowl someone over.
As your hair and clothes whip in the wind, debris from the area begins to swirl around near the ground, and a piece of paper, fluttering in the breeze, flies up and slaps you, sticking to your body with the force of the gales. You peel it away from you and can barely make out the words printed on its surface before the rough winds rip it out of your hands and send it tumbling off into the distance.
Catch me if you can.
The page disappears from view, and there is a moment of complete, terrifying stillness as the tempest gales that seemed fit to carry you off just moments ago just drop off into nothing.
The paper, you realize, is cursed, having chosen you as its target, and from your mind a crisis of some kind is selected from your fears or memories and inflicted upon the surrounding area. This can be a natural disaster, an attacking army or monster, a chaotic mishap, or any other manner of catastrophe big enough to afflict the area you’re in, and it can range from comical to terrifying, all while massive gusts of wind bluster through the area. There are only two ways to end the disastrous effects of the high winds--- either resolve the crisis by overcoming the problem itself, or find that piece of paper and destroy it while the effects of the crisis attempt to keep you away from it, and the winds will persist until one of these things happens. Good luck out there! Maybe if you have an Emergency Wish, that could help you out?
Rain on Me
{Lady Gaga} ♫♪♩♬
As rotating weather effects impact the Dreamscape, this may be a good time to explore previous locations and see how they’ve changed with the weather and seasons. Investigate original locations like the Glass Lake and Twisted City, take the ferry over to Marrow Isle and see how Pumpkin Hollow looks in the spring, or visit your friends’ additions from last month’s wishing contest. Peruse the Locations page if you need ideas on where to go!
With all this rain, we’re sure to see some build-up over the course of this month, which will undoubtedly influence what’s to come, so stay tuned!
Additional Info!
-The Feather Info pages have yet to be updated with this information, but going forward we will be adding a new feather gain category: Shared Joy! You can earn this feather by meaningfully deepening your bond with another person over a shared wonderful moment of bliss. This is a fairly flexible category, but carries some weight. The rule of thumb is that it will count for any joyful interaction that brings characters significantly closer. Cannot be applied retroactively.
- Don't forget that we have a birthday chart for both players and characters!
-Reminder that activity check for March going into April has been waived. Existing players did not need to do AC this past week. Barring incident, it should resume as normal next month.
-NEW PLAYERS! Feel free to request a Discord link!
And last but not least, we have the winners of the wishing contest from last month's members-only event. Votes for first place were given 3 points, second place for 2, and third place for 1, ensuring that each vote was weighted according to priority.
In Third Place was Little Inkopolis & the ColisSeaum. Pearl Houzuki is awarded a free jumbo umbrella big enough for two people to stand under!
In Second Place was Blood Moon Library. Lioriley and Astarion are awarded a pair of stylish raincoats and a two-person umbrella of their own, to share.
In First Place is Rainbow Road. Princess Peach Toadstool and Lucas Kovach are awarded their own bespoke raincoats and colorful umbrellas respectively, as well as a letter informing that they will have the privilege of assisting in the planning of next month's Steamboat Gala. Details on that to be announced at the end of April!
An honorable mention to CB Ranch and Ambrosia Lounge, which tied for fourth place and were not far behind! A huge huge HUGE thank you to everyone who participated in making last month's event fun and filled with player participation!
no subject
So he leaves himself entirely in John's hands, feeling a tiny bit of the tension leaving his shoulders when the solid, warm weight falls on them and just gives a short nod before reflexively kissing back as he lets John lead him inside, the smallest fraction of the weight that's suddenly dropped onto his psyche dropping away with each step.
no subject
But he’s troubled by whatever caused it—John can see, can feel the tension and the weariness and all he wants is to make it stop. Even if it means Jack is guarding himself again, leaving those glimpses of his real face for John to see when they’re together.
Once they’re inside, John kneels to help Jack out of his boots and leaves them by the door, then gently nudged him towards the stairs.
“Bathroom. Strip and dry off, there’s towels in the linen cabinet. Gonna start a fire to warm things up a little, I’ll be right there.”
cw: beginning of panic attack/mild dissociation
I have to go get your mother.
Jack closes his eyes, as if that can shut out the echo of memory, and he's never been so grateful to be pushed around. Should be joking about that too. Should be, can't.
At least his body and mind are still on speaking terms, well enough to follow what John's told him anyway. He's fine, absolutely perfectly bloody fine until he starts unbuttoning his shirt and feels his hands shaking. But he can stop that, he's damn good at stopping it. He's had to, lots of times, because you can't fire a gun with shaking hands.
"Come on Javic,pull it together-" it takes a second too long to realize what he's said. Gray saying it, that's one thing. He's family, all he has left, that's different. But he hasn't been that man--that boy--in centuries, can't be him, doesn't know how--
"It's just a word. Doesn't mean anything. Can't even remember what it meant," he k growls under his breath, and at least the anger steadies his fingers enough to get his damn shirt off.
no subject
Some of John’s best childhood memories were made on rainy days just so—he’s hoping it’ll help Jack to relax that way. Or…find other ways to get warm, once John knows he’s not just trying to silence whatever demon is eating him from the inside.
He’s just starting up the stairs when he hears a minor commotion, Jack’s voice. It’s too muted and distant to understand, but it doesn’t sound good.
Taking the stairs a little faster, John reaches the bathroom, knocks, then cracks the door open slightly.
“Jack? Can I come in?”
Cw: mild dissociation
His hair had been blonde back then, hadn't it? It started getting darker not long after that. Like…like Dad's.
He doesn't really hear the knock, but John's voice--he recognizes that, easily--breaks through. Calling him Jack.
"Yeah," he says, not looking away from the mirror as he wondering dimly if his voice comes out as faint as it sounds in his head.
CW: mentions of death by explosives
He looked at himself like that after Dan Forest died…looking for the pieces of his friend, his brother in arms, looking for some measure of hope left to cling to…
Letting himself into the bathroom fully, John drops a kiss on Jack’s shoulder, smoothing a hand up and down his back with slow, firm strokes.
“Come back to me, Jack.” He murmurs softly, standing beside him and watching his face. “Wherever you’re at right now, I’m here. Feel me…come back. I gotcha.”
Cw dissociation
The words don't mean much, not at first. All words sound wrong in his head, not the right language but he doesn't remember what the right one is. Close, but not close enough. But the longer he stays like that--watching John's face, feeling his hands--the more pieces start to fall back into place. It's not all at once, not in the right order--
(He remembers a woman with outrageous hair and clicking heels. Listen to my voice. Take my hand. We'll get you to safety.)
But he can at least feel them now, the pieces of who he is, who he's made himself. He can't look at his own face, not quite, but he can see the dog tags hanging around his neck. John's dog tags.
Something about them. The day John had given them to him. The same day he'd revealed so many of the people he'd loved, the men he'd been, but not all of them by far, not the ones…
A wordless sob escapes him, and without realizing he's moved at all Jack finds that he's turned to press his face into John's shoulder.
no subject
Jack is in pain, and John cannot—will not bear it.
Sliding a hand into his hair, John continues to rub his back with the other, holding him fast as he presses his face into Jack’s shoulder in turn.
“I’ve got you.” He whispers, shifting to kiss his jaw, his neck, his temple. “It’s okay…it’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m here.”
And already familiar with what they mean to him, having seen his gaze drift to them in the mirror, the hand on Jack’s back slides around to touch the tags where they sit against the middle of Jack’s chest. He lays his hand over them, presses them gently into his skin.
“I’m here, fy nghariad.”
no subject
He lets himself stay like that, not trying to speak or even think, just feeling, each brush of lips and stroke of fingertips putting a small piece of himself back into place. His breath catches when John presses the cool metal to his skin, but then--
He blinks, then startles himself with a short, dry noise that almost resembles a laugh.
"Welsh. Seriously?" He tries and fails to swallow down a hitch in his throat that wants to be a sob, but does manage to smile. "Asshole," he says, voice wavering but fond and present.
no subject
Jack…his Jack.
“Told you I could pick some up.” John teases back gently, kissing his temple again. Leaning back just enough to look into Jack’s face, John reaches up to frame it between his hands with a gentle smile.
“My love.” He whispers in English this time, pulling him in for another kiss. “There you are…c’mon, stay with me. Please, stay with me…”
no subject
"Trying," he manages, and enough of him has come back to be properly put off by the waver in his voice he can't shake off. "Hasn't--been this hard in a long time." And there should be some part of him trying to make a joke right there, he knows that. The best he can manage though is turning his head slightly to brush his lips against John's palm, which is at least enough to turn the tension in his chest that had been threatening to become a sob into a shuddering breath.
no subject
John slips his hand free of Jack’s grip to set both hands on his bare shoulders again. He needs to get out of these wet jeans, get them both into dry clothes—ward off the chill of devastation with actual heat and the warmth of each other, wrap his arms around the broken pieces of Jack until they fuse back together again.
First, though, John steers Jack to sit on the commode and manages to kneel between his knees. He just stays there for a moment, looking into his face, his eyes—catching his chin to stop him from looking away if he tries.
John looks into that pain and darkness, those demons whose names he does not yet know, and eventually smiles, soft and sweet and genuine. He cradles Jack’s cheek and leans in to brush a barely their kiss against his mouth.
“I love you.” He breathes into him.
This version of him, this part of him. This broken maelstrom of darkness and pain—John needs to make sure Jack knows that here, even when it’s bad, that John loves him.
Loves all of him.
no subject
Why. Don't. You shouldn't.
Not just because John doesn't understand yet why the person he is right now is hardly worth much notice let alone affection, but because Jack knows that even if he did explain it all and lay out every reason that this version of himself isn't something anyone should want, John would just refuse to accept any of those answers.
Which is just ridiculous. Ridiculous, stubborn, gorgeous man.
Releasing a tremulous sigh, he gives a tight nod. "I know," he says, voice scarcely above a whisper, lips brushing against John's as he speaks. And he does, is honestly more sure of it than he is of his own name right now, and that's terrifying and he doesn't deserve it but he's too much of a coward to let it go. "I love you, too."
no subject
Shifting to stand, John leans down to press one more kiss to Jack’s forehead. Lingering there for a moment with a hand on his nape, he draws back slowly, that hand sliding over his cheek, along his jaw, and ends with John’s thumb briefly tracing the cleft of his chin before falling away.
Once John strips down and dries off, he gets Jack to the bedroom so he can try to track down something for them both to wear. God knew he had no problem with Jack in a towel and nothing else (the guy could wear a burlap sack and make it sexy, Jesus Christ), but…later.
Rummaging around in his bureau for some sweats he knew might fit Jack, John took note of the storm outside at last—what had been a torrential downpour was now a gentle, steady rain. The sky was dark, abysmally dark, but the rhythm of the rain against the window was soothing instead of angry.
“Weather’s crazy.” John noted with a curious frown before locating some pants and a shirt, turning to toss them over to Jack. “Do we know what that’s about?”
no subject
"Emotions," he replies, with a weak, tired laugh, before he starts pulling the shirt over his head. "Some of the stuff getting whipped up's influencing 'em, but seems the rain's been taking cues. And yes, before you ask," he's not ashamed to use the excuse of putting on pants to keep his gaze from John's for at least a moment, "I've had more than one experience that proves it's not just coincidence. Real fun thing for a place that takes symbolism so seriously."
Well, not his best work, but at least it feels like the back-up personality has found one of the light switches again.
CW: very mild allusion to self harm
Even if it’s just a fist or an elbow in a stick fight.
When they’re both dressed, John crosses over to pull Jack into his arms again, giving in to that urge to just…wrap him up and not let go. Hold him, seal those broken pieces together, stop the pain.
“If someone hurt you while I was gone,” John whispers, pressing a kiss to Jack’s temple, lingering there with a sigh, “I’m going to kill them. If something happened to hurt you, I’ll help you make it right. Whatever it is, Jack…I’m here.”
He lets a hand fall to Jack’s chest again, laying over that stretch of fabric where his dog tags sit.
“I’m here.”
cw: non-graphic description of war, brief dissasociation
His name still doesn't sound quite right in his head, but at least the way John says it is familiar. Comforting. Definitely not as comforting as his embrace, but that would be pretty hard to top right now.
There are so many things he needs to explain for any of it to make sense, because he's been hiding all of it for so long. Not just from John, but from himself.
"It's a long story, even for me," he says, quietly. "And I could spend hours finding the place to start, but I just…" Want it gone. Want to forget again. Everything except Gray.
He swallows, pressing his face against John's neck, unable to face him as he tries to put words to the worst day in a long life full of horrifying days.
"...when I was a kid--twelve, thirteen, don't know anymore--my home was attacked." That word's too small, too neat, for what happened that day. But he can't give it more words, even if he could remember them all right now. "My dad…told me to take my--my little brother and run, while he went back for--" Can't, can't think about Mom, hard enough to even see Dad's face. He swallows, taking a deep breath against John's skin and biting back a swear when he feels a few drops of moisture leaking from his eyes.
"He tripped, lost hold of my hand, and I was….I was so scared I didn't notice until it was too late--I never saw him again until…" a noise he can't identify to himself as a laugh or a sob breaks out of his throat. "He's here. My brother. And it's….hoo boy, it's done a number on me, as I'm sure you can tell."
no subject
A small, irrational part of John actually is afraid. Like everything that scares John, though—even the idea of loving another man what feels like lifetimes ago—he doesn’t run from what scares him. He plows into it head on.
For a long time he just stands there, clinging, holding him, breathing with him and trying to will some measure of comfort into him. Eventually, he leans back just enough to kiss him, hands smoothing over his shoulders.
“I love you.” He whispers again, looking Jack dead in the eye—loves this, even now with what feels like Jack confessing some great sin. It’s not—he was a kid, it wasn’t his fault—but that’s a discussion for later.
“I love you, I can’t wait to meet him…and this?” John cradles his cheek in one hand and feels a little sick for feeling joy in this moment—but he can’t help it.
He can give Jack the thing he never had, right now—the thing that might have changed everything, made his life totally different.
“This is okay. Shit like this leaves a mark, we both know that…and it’s okay if you’re messed up right now. You’ll level out, feel better later, but right now? I got you…I’ll hold you together ‘till you can do it yourself, all right?”
no subject
Just like he doesn't want to accept John's words just as much as he wants to believe in them, to believe that someone actually might be able to stay and shoulder some of the burden. Because he can't let John put himself in such an impossible position. He doesn't understand, can't understand, just how much is breaking him apart.
"I'd made myself forget," he says, voice uncharacteristically small but steady. "Most of it, anyway. As much as I could without forgetting him. I forgot my name. But he didn't, and when he said it, it all--" he feels toeing the edge of the cliff again and swallows, reaching one hand to rest over the one John has against his face, trying to steady himself again.
"I've spent so much of my life working to remember, and now all I want to do is forget," he laughs humorlessly. "It's absurd."
no subject
“What’s your name?” He asks softly. “You don’t have to tell me, it’s okay…but if you do, I won’t use it if you don’t want me to. I just…”
He frowns, trying to figure out how to put it into words.
“…you have that box for the photos. The things you want to hold onto, to remember. I wanna keep you safe.”
Drawing him down, John kisses his forehead, nuzzling his hairline.
“Maybe I can hold some of the bad things for you. Keep them safe if you need them, keep them from hurting you. If you want.”
cw: non-graphic discussion of child abuse/torture, beginnings of panic attack/mild disassociation
Jack--he has to be Jack, doesn't deserve to be anyone else except for Gray, because Gray needs him to be someone else--puts one hand to John's nape, fingers idly playing with strands of his hair as he considers his answer. He trusts John. Hell, John's the only lover he's ever told about his 'condition', let alone shown the photos. Sure, that's more down to the fact that the whole Dreamscape business made it safer than it would have back on Earth, but his reaction to the whole thing earned him a whole lot more trust than Jack's been able to show anyone else since…well, probably since he watched the TARDIS dematerialize on the Game Station.
He's quiet for a few long moments, keeping his face against John's, making sure he's as steady as possible to prevent--what happened in the bathroom, the utterly ridiculous thing that tipped him over the edge.
(He knows why, and that's honestly a huge part of the problem. He knows, but he can't make it go away and that's frustrating beyond measure when he's had enough mental training to allow him to bury so much)
"Javic," he says, voice dry and uncharacteristically quiet. He clears his throat, managing to get it just a bit louder, a bit more his. "Javic Piotr Thane." He says it slowly, carefully, like Gray did. Because it's been so very long since he had to say it--since he left the Time Agency--that he's not sure it's right. Even now, he knows his accent has changed enough that it doesn't sound like it should.
"I…I have to be Javic for him. He's…the monsters that attacked us, he hasn't told me everything, but I know what they do, I know they tortured him." And even without details, he knows that tells John enough about what's been done to Gray's mind. "He needs to me to be the brother he remembers. But I…I don't know how to be that person for anyone else anymore. I don't want to be. Not yet, anyway."
He shifts his gaze to meet John's again, actually letting him see the tears threatening to fall, and smiles--faint, wavering, but real. "Besides, kinda gotten used to calling me Jack, and it could get real confusing if you start using another name when we're together. Unless I'm wearing a dress, then something else might be a bit more appropriate."
Oh, there we go. There's the person he's become, the person he wants to be on his better days. Not quite back to full health by a long shot, but on the mend.
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John says it once, softly, carefully—speaks it with the same meticulous reverence Jack used for his wife and for Co, his voice only just audible as he simply lets it slot into his memory and tucks it safely into one distant corner of the heart that Jack has claimed every other piece of.
He says it once, and that’s all he needs—especially when Jack makes a wisecrack about dressing up and John smiles. If it means Jack’s feeling better, it’s good, he wants it…but one thing remains.
“Thank you.” He replies softly, gathering Jack’s face between his hands so he can’t look away. “Thank you for trusting me with that—but I wanna make sure you understand something, okay? When you’re with me…there’s no one you have to be. I love you, all of you.”
He hesitates, smiling as his thumbs stray to caress Jack’s cheekbones—remembers the wisecracks he made about them when they first met.
“You’re a man of a thousand faces, I know that, but understand that I love all the men you are. Even the ones I haven’t met yet, ‘cause there isn’t a single face or name, or—or personality that isn’t connected to you. Soldiers, killers, brothers, husbands…people who can—can glide across a ballroom floor in satin and heels. Whoever you want to be is fine—but there’s no one you have to be.”
Drawing him in, John kisses him, slow and soft.
“You fucked up, Jack Harkness—cause there’s no corner of the universe you can run to escape. There’s no mask you can wear to hide. Wherever you go, whoever you are…you’re completely screwed, ‘cause I’m still gonna love you.”