Just as the irrational panic at the thought of the name his parents gave him is starting to rise again he feels John's lips on his skin and warm breath against his hair, and it doesn't make it go away entirely but it does slow his heart, makes it possible to breathe and stay in the here and now.
Jack--he has to be Jack, doesn't deserve to be anyone else except for Gray, because Gray needs him to be someone else--puts one hand to John's nape, fingers idly playing with strands of his hair as he considers his answer. He trusts John. Hell, John's the only lover he's ever told about his 'condition', let alone shown the photos. Sure, that's more down to the fact that the whole Dreamscape business made it safer than it would have back on Earth, but his reaction to the whole thing earned him a whole lot more trust than Jack's been able to show anyone else since…well, probably since he watched the TARDIS dematerialize on the Game Station.
He's quiet for a few long moments, keeping his face against John's, making sure he's as steady as possible to prevent--what happened in the bathroom, the utterly ridiculous thing that tipped him over the edge.
(He knows why, and that's honestly a huge part of the problem. He knows, but he can't make it go away and that's frustrating beyond measure when he's had enough mental training to allow him to bury so much)
"Javic," he says, voice dry and uncharacteristically quiet. He clears his throat, managing to get it just a bit louder, a bit more his. "Javic Piotr Thane." He says it slowly, carefully, like Gray did. Because it's been so very long since he had to say it--since he left the Time Agency--that he's not sure it's right. Even now, he knows his accent has changed enough that it doesn't sound like it should.
"I…I have to be Javic for him. He's…the monsters that attacked us, he hasn't told me everything, but I know what they do, I know they tortured him." And even without details, he knows that tells John enough about what's been done to Gray's mind. "He needs to me to be the brother he remembers. But I…I don't know how to be that person for anyone else anymore. I don't want to be. Not yet, anyway."
He shifts his gaze to meet John's again, actually letting him see the tears threatening to fall, and smiles--faint, wavering, but real. "Besides, kinda gotten used to calling me Jack, and it could get real confusing if you start using another name when we're together. Unless I'm wearing a dress, then something else might be a bit more appropriate."
Oh, there we go. There's the person he's become, the person he wants to be on his better days. Not quite back to full health by a long shot, but on the mend.
cw: non-graphic discussion of child abuse/torture, beginnings of panic attack/mild disassociation
Jack--he has to be Jack, doesn't deserve to be anyone else except for Gray, because Gray needs him to be someone else--puts one hand to John's nape, fingers idly playing with strands of his hair as he considers his answer. He trusts John. Hell, John's the only lover he's ever told about his 'condition', let alone shown the photos. Sure, that's more down to the fact that the whole Dreamscape business made it safer than it would have back on Earth, but his reaction to the whole thing earned him a whole lot more trust than Jack's been able to show anyone else since…well, probably since he watched the TARDIS dematerialize on the Game Station.
He's quiet for a few long moments, keeping his face against John's, making sure he's as steady as possible to prevent--what happened in the bathroom, the utterly ridiculous thing that tipped him over the edge.
(He knows why, and that's honestly a huge part of the problem. He knows, but he can't make it go away and that's frustrating beyond measure when he's had enough mental training to allow him to bury so much)
"Javic," he says, voice dry and uncharacteristically quiet. He clears his throat, managing to get it just a bit louder, a bit more his. "Javic Piotr Thane." He says it slowly, carefully, like Gray did. Because it's been so very long since he had to say it--since he left the Time Agency--that he's not sure it's right. Even now, he knows his accent has changed enough that it doesn't sound like it should.
"I…I have to be Javic for him. He's…the monsters that attacked us, he hasn't told me everything, but I know what they do, I know they tortured him." And even without details, he knows that tells John enough about what's been done to Gray's mind. "He needs to me to be the brother he remembers. But I…I don't know how to be that person for anyone else anymore. I don't want to be. Not yet, anyway."
He shifts his gaze to meet John's again, actually letting him see the tears threatening to fall, and smiles--faint, wavering, but real. "Besides, kinda gotten used to calling me Jack, and it could get real confusing if you start using another name when we're together. Unless I'm wearing a dress, then something else might be a bit more appropriate."
Oh, there we go. There's the person he's become, the person he wants to be on his better days. Not quite back to full health by a long shot, but on the mend.